As of late, I’ve been forced to question what I believe about myself and how I interact with society. I had been so comfortable with my identity, who I wanted to be. How could things change so suddenly? I just want to be me? Why must I label myself? 

However, at the same time I must admit that I need to find this label in order to understand myself and what I want. I wish that there was some litmus test that could tell me, “You identify as…” and I would be able to say, “Oh, okay, that makes so much sense. Why didn’t I see this before?” 

Oh, well. So how can I resolve this identity crisis that I am currently experiencing? I’ve spent enough time in the “grey area” that I have absolutely no desire to just tell myself that it doesn’t matter. I don’t care what society thinks of me, I just want to know what I think of me. Is it possible that I’m not gay? I’m definitely not straight. Asexuality seems to make more sense, and I have thought that possibility out before, but rejected it because I did have feelings for other women. Only, now I am starting to realize that these feelings aren’t entirely sexual, but romantic. How am I supposed to reconcile what I thought I knew about myself with what I am starting to believe now?

The fact that if I want to get married in the future is dependent upon someone else’s vote is ridiculous. My argument is simple, and mostly directed at those homophobic people who seem to think that I am less of a human being because of who I am attracted to:

How would you feel if your marriage was dependent upon my vote. If I just decided, “Well, I dunno if Christie and Stephen should get married even though I’ve never met them before and have no idea what their relationship is really like.”

Sounds kinda crappy, doesn’t it?

While the fact remains that same-sex marriage is probably going to be put to a vote in most states at some point in the near future (example: California), my point is that the issue of marriage equality even needs to be put to a vote is a little disquieting. 

I am a human being. You homophobic peeps who seem to think that I am undeserving of the same rights as you are, also, human beings. Marriage should not be a privilege that only certain people get to enjoy.

I struggle with who I am, who I was, and who I want to be,

these identities clashing,

clawing at each other and clamoring for attention,

pressing against my consciousness with malicious intent,

threatening to send me ever closer to a God

in which I don’t believe, until, finally,

Peace.

The darkness closes in on my mind like a blanket,

smothering thought and dream

until there is nothing else.

I think I am safe,

but then

they come again, disrupting the silence,

haunting my waking dreams,

howling for attention, refusing to be ignored,

scratching along the inside of my skull until I can stand it no more and, finally,

Submission.

Pretending to be content with what I was,

with what I had,

sadness pervades every thought,

eating my insides, twisting my mind,

like some monster from the deep, eternally ravenous,

never satisfied and desirous of my life, sucking my

soul into the silent pits.

But I don’t want to go.

Or do I? Because that is what this seems like,

Like I’m finally

Giving up.

But I don’t want to give up,

I don’t want to give in to the monotonous,

it is like chasing after something that you can never have,

hopeless, selfish,

and I refuse to

give up.

But the monster grabs my arms, tightening his grip

in a vain attempt to keep me

and I fight free,

bursting into seas of color so unlike the pools of grey that it is

startling, how could I have

missed this? Preferred my dark shades over this beam of light?

Happiness.

My fear gone, I look to the sky and

see

for the first time.

Choosing to accept a future in which I can be content,

free,

does not mean forsaking the past, but

ending the chapter, not burning the book,

starting anew where I can be whoever and whatever I desire,

Complete.